Shis un tas iz humora

Why didn`t the skeleton go to the party?

He had no body to go with!

What do vampires have at eleven o`clock every day?

A coffin break!

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Sh*t it`s hot in here!"

The other muffin says, "Holy Sh*t... A talking muffin!"

4 Stages of marriage:

Mad for each other.
Made for each other.
Mad at each other.
Mad bcoz of each other.

^^^^^^^^^^

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he`s in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy`s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn`t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don`t resist, don`t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he`ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn`t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

^^^^^^^

A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, "Put `MYPENIS` " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."

OMG, tas ir LMFAO !

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise`s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba`s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise`s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba`s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let`s fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let`s have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I`ve known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can`t catch the Pope`s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I`ll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss` side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who`s that on the balcony with Bubba?"